This is written as a response to the horrendously hypocritical and disgustingly sexist article(s) titled “FYI” and “FYI #2 (the one where everyone’s covered up)”. I urge you to read in chronological order to get the incredible double standard in one, big, hefty dose of sexism and self-righteousness. If you’ll take a moment to notice that as she is judging girls by their Facebook posts and the clothes they wear, and how they are not allowed the honor of spending time with her sons, she includes a few pictures of her sons, shirt-less, all wet from the ocean and flexed muscles-a-bulging…I cannot. I just cannot even.
I am not going to pick apart the article. I am not.
I am, however, going to speak up for my daughters…who will be judged, ridiculed, and told that they are less than their male counterparts.
I am going to take a stand for my girls who will be told they are nothing more than how they dress…that they are only viewed as a piece of ass, and it is THEIR responsibility to keep the male population’s thoughts “clean and pure.”
***
To my Incredible Daughters,
Did you know that you are allowed to dress how you like, what expresses who you are in that moment, what makes you feel good about yourself, what is comfortable to you? Did you know that you can do all of this, and how everyone reacts, judges, thinks, whatever…that is all, ALL…fully and completely on them?
Did you know, that if you wear a cute mini skirt to a party because you are loving the way it makes your legs look…did you know that you are NOT “asking for it” if your date forces himself on you?
Girls, did you know that if you decide to drink too much one night…
or if you stay out too late
or you get a speeding ticket
or if you fail your math test
or you decide to have sex with someone
or you decide to burn your bras
or your best friend ditches you for someone else…
did you know that you are still lovely? Did you know that you are still wonderful? Did you know that you are filled with amazing qualities, amazing capabilities, amazing talents? Did you know that life is full of choices, lessons, love, heartbreak, and adventures…and that all of those are yours to experience?
Did you know that men are, in fact, capable of thinking of more than sex? Did you know they are capable of controlling their actions? Did you know there are men out there who look past bad decisions, and look deeper into who you are as a person? There are men out there who truly want to know who you are, what you love, what you dream of…regardless of how your dress or how you wear your makeup.
Did you know that women actually like sex? Did you know that women are “visual” creatures, too? Did you know that that is okay, and normal, and natural?
Don’t get caught up in it all, my darlings. Don’t wear that mini skirt because you want the attention of that guy. If that guy is worth your time, he will like you regardless of what you wear. Sex obviously sells, which is a sad thing. You see it everywhere, I know you do. Remember that you are MORE than just sex to the world. You deserve to be treated that way, and the way you dress doesn’t make you any less deserving of that. However, if you love how confident you feel in that mini skirt, or that bathing suit is *just* your style…by all means…rock it, sister. Wear the clothes you love for you. But be sure to take the time to get to know you. Take the time to learn to love you.
I promise I will take the time to get to know you. I will guide you and advise you along the way to the best of my ability. When we protect you, know that it will be for your safety, and not some facade that really just makes us feel more comfortable with the inevitability that you are are indeed growing up. I will give my opinion when asked (and maybe sometimes when I’m not), but ultimately, this is your life. Your dad and I will do our very best to fill you with confidence, compassion, tolerance, and love. Remember that. We will love you with every fiber of who we are, and you don’t have to do anything to earn that. And nothing you do will ever take that away.
There is a double standard in this society that women don’t deserve to be “treated like a lady” if they don’t “act like a lady.” However, men can apparently dress, act, say whatever they like with no negative repercussions. I am not even sure what the phrase, “treated like a lady” means, but I think it means treated with respect…which should be granted to people of BOTH sexes…because we are humans. We are all part of this human race together. We all deserve love and respect.
Parents need stop with the gender stereotyping. They are doing much, much more harm than good. They teach their boys that girls who dress a way they don’t find appropriate aren’t worth the time and acceptance of their son. They teach them that girls are just temptresses out to muddy the thoughts of their precious little boy. They teach their children that it is OK to sit down as a family and scroll through their social media and shame anyone who doesn’t fit in the tiny little box they keep them in. They teach them that girls who act or dress or believe differently than them have no character. No self respect. No right to be respected by others. They are doing nothing but perpetuating this horrible cycle. And trust me, no matter how much you try to be *perfect* for their son, this type of person will always find something “wrong” with you. No girl will ever be deserving of their perfect little son. Ever.
Know that as a way to protect you while you are young, there will be stipulations on using social media. Profiles will be made private, no contact information will be posted, I will ask who certain people are on your friend’s lists…I will not, however, judge who you can and can’t be friends with based on the way someone looks, or the pictures that they post. Because someone posts something that I think to be a mistake or inappropriate, does not mean I will ask you to cut them out of your lives. Do I give an eye roll when I scroll through countless pouty- lipped selfies on Instagram? Yes. I eye roll in the same sense my parents eye rolled when we wore our overalls with just one strap fastened, or we lathered copious amounts of glitter on our faces because we thought it looked pretty. I’m getting old and I just don’t *get* some things. Maybe I am just bored of it. Regardless of my eye rolling, I NEVER think, “Oh wow. That girl posing with all that cleavage must be a real slut.” A pose, an outfit, a selfie…doesn’t make anyone, anyone, a “slut.”
In our house, we are tolerant and accepting. In our house, we love fully.
we love big
we love wholly
we love freely
we love unconditionally.
In our house we give second chances. We give third, fourth, and fiftieth chances. And thank goodness we do. I know I am going to need all of the chances I can get. Do not be afraid to be yourself, to explore this world, to love unencumbered.
Remember, there is always more than what meets the eye. Look deeper, my loves.
The Lippy Lactator 
Reblogged this on This Woman's Work and commented:
A new post on my other blog, The Lippy Lactator
Great post. I whole heartdly agree! Enough with the gender stereotypes, we are all humans deserving of respect.
THANK YOU for this! I will be teaching my daughters that there are some men who will think less of them for how they dress…but I will also be teaching them that those aren’t the sort of men whose opinions actually matter.
One of the things that really disturbed me about that blog post–and there were many things, and even more things in the comments section–was her assumption that those girls were posing “provocatively” for the benefit of boys. That makes boys the center of the world, again denigrating girls. Not everything is about sex. Not to most of the world. It’s women like this who sexualize every damn thing imaginable who think I’m doing something wrong when I feed my kid in public. Which, given this blog title, I am sure you realize as well.
This is fantastic.
Thank you! I had read the original blog post you refer to and felt almost exactly what you felt.
Thank you for reading!
“[I]n our house, there are no second chances, ladies. If you want to stay friendly with the Hall men, you’ll have to keep your clothes on, and your posts decent. If you try to post a sexy selfie, or an inappropriate YouTube video – even once – you’ll be booted off our on-line island.
I know that sounds harsh and old-school, but that’s just the way it is under this roof for a while. We hope to raise men with a strong moral compass, and men of integrity don’t linger over pictures of scantily clad high-school girls.”
The author of the selfie article is right. We men of integrity prefer scantily clad women who are hard at work putting themselves through college through artistically rendered interpretive dance routines of 80’s classics such as Girls, Girls, Girls and Pour Some Sugar on Me.
Seriously, though, this is precisely the sort of shaming behavior in which women are going to have to increasingly engage if they don’t wish to see the average standard of female behavior continue to decline into naked advertising displays. I will simply point out that the state of attire is not the issue. Sexual provocation and titillation is the issue.
There are naked pictures that are entirely non-sexual. And there are fully-clothed pictures whose sole intent is to titillate. I used to keep a naked picture of my roommate framed on my bookshelf and not a single woman or homosexual man found it even slightly sexually enticing, as it happened to be one of the funniest and most disturbing pictures ever taken in the history of photography.
I agree, Vox, that while girls (or guys) shouldn’t feel responsible for what others think or do, girls / guys / men / woman should be aware of sexual provocation, like you say.
However, the bottom line is that no one “asks for it” – no matter what they chose to wear or say or who they chose to love. We all make strange choices from time to time, so the teaching of offering others grace and respect anyway is a powerful one that will serve a lifetime.
Very nice. I have one daughter. I feel more capable of raising the type of daughter I will be proud of after reading your writing. I see true love not the judging of the “perfect sons” article. That mom is so far from “right” I could not even digest her righteous bullshit. Thank You!
All the love to you and your daughter
Great article!
Oh, how I love this!! You are so right on! I have three girls and a boy and hope to teach them the very same lessons you are, not the misogynistic double-standards that so many believe are the lessons we should teach. I think our daughters will be better off.
Well. She’s right, of course, but the other mother was right too. As a mother of a son whom I am trying very hard to teach about privacy and modesty in a world that is invasive and flaunts its stuff constantly—let me just say that while real MEN control their own eyes and thoughts, they have to be protected from crap while they are still BOYS. My son is only 4, which is developmentally a very curious age. I must simultaneously be teaching him that his body is not bad and neither is anyone else’s, but to think about the person and who they are, not just what their butt looks like. It’s like walking on a very thin tightrope. Teenagers go through a similar developmental period, compounded by raging hormones. Mothers of girls only don’t have experience with the intensity of singlemindedness that a boy possesses about ANY subject—I also have two daughters and the older one is a firecracker, but it’s not the same with her as with my son. If a sexy ‘selfie’ showed up in my son’s field of vision even at his age, he would be riveted. I can only imagine how much more intense it would be for a teenager. So, until a boy becomes a man and has self control mastered, it is absolutely prudent to help him along by removing all temptation in the form of suggestive photos. Real MEN control themselves. Real BOYS need all the help they can get.
There is no way that you will remove all sex-infused photos, media, talk, images, or even real-life humans from your child. That is real life.
True. But I’ll remove as many as I can, especially given his young age! The system will be tweaked as he gets older, I have no doubt of that…and coupled with a constant feedback of how to act towards women and humans in general, I’m sure we’ll pull through.
Entirely agree, Bridget. There’s a perfect middle ground between these two posts. As a parent, I wouldn’t want my children to be exposed to scantily clad, sexily posed teenagers. Likewise, I wouldn’t want my children to post such photos, regardless of their gender.
Social media is a dangerous beast for young adults and they need to learn responsibility. Yes, my teen would be punished for posting such photos. Yes, he/she would be forgiven and earn media privelidges back. If my teen’s ‘friend’ posts such photos, I might reach out to his/her parents. I wouldn’t judge this ‘friend’ based solely on a photo, nor would I write this ‘friend’ off. But I am not everyone.
There are places for mistakes and learning opportunities, but preferably not (intentionally) in a public forum where there can be long-lasting and sometimes permanent consequences. Regardless of privacy settings, photos can spread like wildfire. Copy and paste. Yes, appearances aren’t everything and there’s more to a person than his or her body, but a first impression is sometimes the only impression a person gets. Teens don’t have the maturity or perspective to understand such photos can be damaging, both socially and professionally, for the rest of their lives. I am my children’s perspective. I will do everything in my power to make sure they don’t learn the hard way. If they want to become president, sexy / inappropriate selfies will not surface during their campaigns.
Unfortunately, our children live in such a time when nothing is private, not even their mistakes.
i am archiving this…because i have four daughters…because i need to be reminded…because this is a great perspective for myself and other girls/women. i grew up in a very sexist religion and am finally free FREE of those inhibitions!! thank you for boldly sticking up for your daughters….my daughters…me….
Love to you and your wonderful daughters x
I definitely get both sides of this conversation. But I also remember being 13 and taking sexy pictures of myself, because I liked the control it made me feel over the reactions of the boys. And I’m so fucking happy that I didn’t have facebook or instagram or any online record of this, because I grew up, and realized that I don’t have to ‘act’ sexy for boys to feel good about myself, sexiness is something else. I’m a confident, smart, sexual woman, who believes in equality, and is proud to be called a feminist. And as a feminist, I feel badly when I spend time with my nephews, who are both teenagers, and one of them asks me, how do you get girls to realize that I don’t want to sext with them…how do I convince the girls in my class that they don’t have to send me topless pics for me to like them, that I’d rather just hang out with them?
He’s in grade ten.
When I ask him what he means, he logs into facebook and instantly a girl pops up, ‘hey baby’ she says. I ask my nephew how old she is, and he says, 13. She than proceeds to ask him how his xxxmas is going, and that she wants him to know that she’s rubbing her nipples. He responds, Hey, ****, I’m really wondering if you can tone it down. My computer is in the kitchen and my entire family is here for Christmas. In fact, my aunt is reading this over my shoulder, and you know this kind of talk makes me uncomfortable.”
She responds, “Fuck your aunt. I can do whatever I want.”
~
My nephew is dismayed. He was raised to be sex-positive and respectful, and he often calls out his buddies for shaming behaviour. I’m proud of him. And when he comes to me with an honest question, “How do I deal with this, without hurting her feelings?” because he recognizes that this particular girl is trying desperately to fit in and be cool with the older kids, I would like to give him an honest answer. And when he says that this happens with all his guy friends, and that there are many girls in his school who are sending these pictures and these questions, and making the moves and not taking NO for an answer, I worry about him and his ability to stay sex-positive and respectful, and genuine and humble.
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So, please, mothers of sons and daughters, instead of simply letting your kids know that they are proud, wonderful, sexual, loveable beings (which they are, and I think it’s awesome to encourage this) PLEASE include in this stipulation, “Respect others as you would like to be respected.” Also, remind them, that respect is something you earn, it’s not something that you automatically deserve. Make sure that it ALWAYS goes both ways, for the boys and for the girls.
MUCH better.
Wow, I have to say this made me really sad. Though your daughters are still beautiful and loved even though they make the wrong choices this post seems to encourage them to make wrong choices. What you wear says a lot about what’s in your heart and what you do can have lasting consequences. I work with girls who have made mistakes and have a lifetime of regret because of it. True a real man may not look at the wrong things, but he will not want to look at scantly clad women and thus this real man will not respect them if they don’t respect themselves. A good man chooses a woman who knows her attributes as a woman, delights in her femininity and is modest enough not to show these off to the world but save them exclusively for him, for life. I didn’t like the pics that she posted either especially to go with that post. However, her points were spot on. What we wear does effect the men around us. And while a real man may not look and lust, he also will not look at all. Because he will want someone who respects herself better than that.
I agree with you as to what a man who is worth my daughters’ time will and won’t do, but I disagree as to you thinking I am encouraging my children to make bad decisions. I was pretty clear with the fact that I would guide them, protect them, give opinions and advice, and instill self-love, respect, etc.
I also said that before that they need to take the time to love themselves and to get to know who they are as a person before they decide that that mini skirt expresses who they are as a person.
I also refuse to control my children to the point they cannot make any decisions for themselves, good or bad. That doesn’t create an independent, free thinking adult, does it?
Love it. I just posted about that same dadgum thing yesterday! As a mom of 5 boys, that blog post appalled me. Amen, sister!
This is hands-down the best response I have read thus far. Thank you for standing up for human rights and dignity.
So, you’re ok with sexting then? Just want to confirm…
“Ok” with sexting??? It’s too bad that is all you’ve taken away from my post.
We have, and continue to create, a solid foundation of confidence, independence, compassion, and love in our daughters. Our open and honest relationship with them includes us being matter-of-fact with them about how the world works. Our daughters will have respect for themselves, and respect for others.
Do I think they will make mistakes? Absolutely. Am I going to shelter them from ever being able to make and learn from their mistakes? No. I will pick them up when they fall, help build them up, and love them through it all. Will they ever sext? Maybe. And if and when that day comes, I will guide them as I know how- without judgement and with unconditional love.
No, that’s not all I took away from your post. It was a good post, ,and I agree with a lot of what you say. BUT, the main point is that the girl sent an inappropriate picture, isn’t it? And you don’t think that’s wrong? It’s not the end of the world, but the girl should be called on it. I would be thankful for a mom letting me know that my daughter is sending those sorts of pictures. Now, I do agree that how boys react is the BOYS ISSUE, but that doesn’t mean the daughter should be sending the pictures.
Seriously, Apparently you have no idea what men are thinking or what’s or what the sex drive of a man is and especially what a teenagers libido is. The girls are thinking they are being cute but I can tell you know that a lot of the boys and men will surely think about something else and it involves their hand. Snap out of it. I have a 15 year old daughter and she still doesn’t understand why I question what she wears. Boys have pretty much have one goal. I know I did as a teenager. Sorry but God made us that way. I know it’s no excuse but you can’t change a man’s DNA. Yes good parents can raise boys to be control their actions and be respectful but I will tell you that drive never, never goes away and flaunting it doesn’t help. Just saying
Is that what girls are thinking? That they are being “cute”?
Maybe.
But that isn’t the point at all. The point is:: we need to be a sex-positive society instead of a sex-negative yet sex-obsessed society. Sex isn’t bad, I’m sure you realize this.
Our youth is bombarded since birth with sex-infused *everything* yet told that sex is bad and to not do it. Perhaps, if we took a different approach with our children, we can slowly change our backwards views on sex in general.
Being open and honest about sex with our kids, give them practical advice, hold their hand and help navigate them through the hormone-raging teenage years all while not expecting them to have sex or expecting them to have sex. Without judgement. Perhaps the taboo would melt away and the obsession would slowly follow.
Judging teens for exploring their world the only way they know how isn’t going to get you anywhere, other than losing trust with your children while gaining more secrets. There are healthier ways to explore sexuality than what many teens are doing. And honestly, a hand is involved. Which, believe it or not, is normal and natural, and isn’t hurting anyone.
I agree! And felt the need to say that um, as a teenaged GIRL, I was totally only thinking about one thing too. Girls can also really really be into sex, like I was, without really understanding or having the emotional maturity to understand sex as anything than an overwhelming urge to get it on. I’m not saying that’s a good thing, but don’t discount how much of a horn dog teenaged girls can be too! Not everything they do is just to “please” a boy, sometime they just might want to get it on too for their own (shallow) gratification.
Sex-positive? How about sex-realistic? That sex has repurcussions and consequences?
We’re splitting hairs here.
Yes. I am 100% on board with complete and thorough sex education. Sadly, that is not the case in our society, which is what leads to our sex-obsession. Like I said, we are a sex-obsessed society, all while ingraining into our children to NOT have sex and that sex is bad. We aren’t doing them any favors there.
Ha Ha! You still have to give that lady 49 more chances!
That blog you were talking about… I saw the beach bathing suit pictures the other day, but today they are gone.
I found the article (and the pictures) to be hypocritical as well.
So when your daughter’s topless selfie is redistributed worldwide on Tumblr, good luck with that. She and you may be sex positive, but have fun dealing with the rest of society.
Because of the internet, the mistakes kids make now at 15 are things that they have to live with in perpetuity.
For the love of God, I hope you and she have thick skins and you’re not paying for counseling (or dealing with suicide attempts) because of the aftermath of her mistakes.
Children from the most conservative and controlling households make decisions which consequences will follow them as long as the Internet exists. It has NOTHING to do with our home being sex positive.
As a parent, I will of course educate my girls on the permanency of the Internet… how poor choices, whether pictures, videos, or their words can follow them into adulthood and can road block careers, college, relationships, etc.
My point is, I am NOT going to shame, judge, or belittle my daughters if and when they make a tasteless move in their journey through adolescence. And that it is NOT their responsibility in life to keep men’s thoughts clean and pure. It’s just not.
Personally, I think that when parents are open and honest with their daughters, and treat them with love and respect, as the author says she does and will, teenaged girls are far less likely to feel like they have to post questionable “selfies” or do other things that popular media pressures girls and women into doing. First, they are less likely to feel like they have to have a boyfriend/husband in order to be fulfilled in their lives, and won’t be desperate to find one. Second, they will feel able to talk to their parents about anything, instead of afraid of being judged, so parental input and guidance is more likely to be given, and more likely to be listened to. Third, they won’t be as apt to have the low self esteem which tends to lead to women feeling like they have to wear more revealing clothing, because they will realize that they have worth as human beings, instead of just as toys.
Nowhere does the author say she’ll encourage her daughter to do reckless and silly things online. This isn’t an either/or situation. If girls are brought up to believe in their own self-worth and that it’s okay to wear clothing they like, this doesn’t mean they’re going to have poor judgement. There shouldn’t be a sort of wear-a-burqua-or-wear-next-to-nothing dichotomy, and that’s part of the issue. Girls or women should not be classified into two groups; you’re a virgin or you’re a slut. Yet that is how things have traditionally been, and it’s time to start seeing beyond female bodies and accept that we’re people in our own right. The truth is that both women and men are human beings, and shouldn’t be held to different standards. If a woman has more than one partner during her lifetime, that doesn’t mean she’s available for anyone. All people make mistakes, and if you shun them for one, you can be sure they aren’t going to admit to any others, and the discourse between you and them will be over. I see that as a major point of the author. You shouldn’t judge others by a different standard than you judge yourself, regardless of gender. Someone else’s body doesn’t belong to you, no matter what they wear or who they might have slept with in the past; it belongs to them alone.
My own daughter is one of the most modest young women I’ve ever met, to the point that it was difficult to shop for clothing for her because of what fashions made available when she was a child, and we’ve been open with her about sex from a young age and encouraged her to be her own person. That doesn’t mean I encouraged her to experiment with sex; I told her that it was important to never let someone push her into it if she wasn’t completely certain. We made sure she knew about the possible problems, both physical and emotional, with having sex when you really shouldn’t. That waiting was always a wiser choice. She doesn’t put pleasing boys first in her life, like many girls are implicitly taught to do, and you’d never catch her posting one of those ridiculous selfies anywhere. That’s not because I sat down and told her that she couldn’t. She knew that she could wear anything to school that wasn’t against the dress code, she knew that she could wear whatever she wanted on a date with friends or a boyfriend; I was more concerned that she had an escort or drive home. I made sure I met her boyfriend, I made sure we talked about all the issues. It comes down far more to parenting with respect than it would sitting down and shaming other girls on her Facebook account. Treat kids with respect, and they’ll respect themselves and others. Kudos to the the “Lippy Lactator” for expressing this all so much better than I could. I’m sorry that people are taking tiny bits of it and missing the larger points.
You are AWESOME! I wish you’d been my mom.
I’m sorry about all the ridiculous comments on this post. People only hear what they want to hear. I got the points of unconditional love, freedom of self expression, importance of self-love and self-acceptance out of this post. I whole-heartedly agree. I know you and I have had many discussions about sex and stifling it just causes pain and frustration. I love this post. Haters gonna hate but lovers gonna love. Please keep sharing your beautiful thoughts.